Effing Dykes Presents: Just What Lies Beneath (The Woman Nails) | Autostraddle

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Hiya lezzers!

I Have got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get pal. Every person had gotten your own friend? Good. Hold on fast to your friend’s hand.

‘Cause that is a true tale.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, whenever I ended up being therefore freshly gay I Did Not have any idea I Happened To Be freshly gay…

An older lesbian at the now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I happened to be completely merely here to dancing)


provided me with some guidance:

1)


Never ever start a mutual checking account with your enthusiast



2)


Do not fake orgasms



3)


Verify a lady’s nails tend to be clean.

The wise lesbian was at her late 40’s, an age-group so far far from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i possibly couldn’t even think about exactly what it ought to be want to be therefore ancient.

How sad, I Imagined. Here this woman is at a bar and she is old. I’m hoping Really don’t find yourself lonely like the girl.

Isn’t really it enjoyable getting the biggest market of a universe?

Exactly what only a little crap I happened to be.

For some reason, though, I walked away from

Za’s


that night saying the woman three principles to me.

As I woke up, I was thinking of these.

It absolutely was kind of like inside sterling silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be billed by Aslan to remember The symptoms.


Don’t become that you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set one or more times a-year.

In any event! through the years, i usually remembered the 3 existence lessons the lesbian had taught me personally. Her advice produced feeling.

We never ever unsealed a mutual bank account with any person.

I never faked sexual climaxes once again following the first couple of instances I did it, recognizing I was, actually, dooming my self to a continuous pattern of shitty sex by enjoyable bad performance using my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I usually privately examined a girl’s fingernails before I slept with her.

Short? Check.

No rough sides? Inspect.

Clean? It’s go time.

But why, nymphos?


What’s the big deal about nails?


What exactly is from the short-nailed lesbian laughs? Just What?

I mean, alright, I get it. It’s tougher to shag with very long fingernails. You can perhaps puncture a lung or something.

But it is maybe not difficult. I have had very long nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em is not all of that difficult — you simply be sure to utilize the pads of one’s hands.

So just why ended up being that lesbian therefore emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

You guys, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to accomplish some debunking.

Without doubt absolutely nothing could really occur any time you had gotten screwed by someone with dirty fingernails.

And I recalled a story very terrible I would nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor shit can occur.

This scary story concerns united states courtesy of my good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” having observed a lot more vagina in heat than a kitty clinic on Free Spay time.

Okay.

Cai


was in Miami whenever she came across an extremely hot femme we’ll call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks cooking, wore a leopard-print swimsuit, had enormous gold hoops that shimmered in the light, and had among the many greatest asses


Cai


had ever seen.

She privately texted myself a picture of

Katie

within swimming pool so she could boast, and I texted back,


“i’d hit that till my personal hand dropped down.”

Very, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that night. There had been some significant ingesting.

While getting undressed


Katie


for the half-light,


Cai


noticed anything she had not truly noticed before:



Katie had cool nails.

In reality,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot prevent the psychological image of these fingernails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, therefore animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


actually leave

Katie


shag the lady, while she ordinarily never ever lets anyone accomplish that. Just what hell, she realized. Heading house the next day. Never see this lady again. I am able to get topped for per night.

Let us fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Some thing had been completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Honestly, seriously wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was oozing as a result. As soon as we say some What i’m saying is excessive. quantities. of. pus.

Give it a try: https://maturematches.co.uk/local-mature-rich-dating.html

Cai


refused to go right to the lady-doctor.

Because becoming encouraging is exactly what friendship is all about, whenever she said, we said,


“so that you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She moved residence, googled “the clap” and turned into convinced that she performed, certainly have gonorrhea. She went, for the first time actually


(she was actually 28),


to your queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno clinic.

They don’t understand what was actually wrong together with her.

They tested their for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.

Cai


was in some discomfort. She required solutions. She have been putting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost per month today.

So they really provided this lady an ultrasound.

AND DO YOU REALLY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DISCOVERED.

Genital rips. All around the within the woman vag.

A whole load of rips.

Cai


have been ripped to shreds. Her insides had been hanging in ribbons. Looked like crepe-paper birthday celebration designs inside.

And everything – every finally inches – was infected.

It would seem that whenever Katie made use of the woman fabulous extended nails to provide

Cai


a strenuous drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her nails had been additionally a festering reproduction surface for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Really Good.

Cai


states have been a stone-cold top from the time.

My personal companion wikipedia states you could get terrible infections from filthy fingernails. Evidently, you can find often staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which might cause anything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna state.

That a good idea lesbian had been spot-on with her life lessons.

Never start a combined bank checking account with your partner.

Never phony sexual climaxes.

And holy mama of god, consider a trick’s fingernails before banging.

Or you tend to be condemned to endure the fortune of Cai.

THE CONCLUSION

I have to question, though…

Have of y’all actually ever received everything nasty from another girl’s hands?

Or heard of a person that did?

Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan myth?

My hands are inching towards the travel-sized Purell container.

Now I need solutions.